


Getaway

by Bonyspark



Category: Game Grumps
Genre: Angst, Explicit Sexual Content, Gay Panic, M/M, Slow Burn, Vacation, outdoors
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-29
Updated: 2017-03-30
Packaged: 2018-07-27 10:34:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 14,708
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7614709
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bonyspark/pseuds/Bonyspark
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As Arin whisks him away to an isolated cabin in Northern California "for his own good," Dan confronts his feelings about growing older.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. We Need to Talk About Dan

Dan dragged his hands down his face, sighing. Currently sagging against the office refrigerator, the icy touch of the metal door contrasted greatly with the heat of his back.

Eternally thankful no one was around to witness his second mini-breakdown of the day, he pressed his index fingers carefully onto his closed eyes, as if he could draw out any troubling thoughts by osmosis. The wall clock to his left ticked away, and Dan tried to breathe in a wide rhythm around its steady sound. He figured he had about 3 more minutes - before Arin grew suspicious of his weakly delivered bathroom excuse - and sought to make the most of it.

Every negative feeling from the past few days was bubbling up a nauseous emotional stew inside his skull. He willed himself to repeat the facts in his head for the umpteenth time. He was rocketing toward 40, and nowhere near prepared for it. Even thinking of the simple number was a not so subtle flaming gutpunch, emblazoned upon it in flashy red lettering: OLD MAN.

At first, it wasn’t so bad. A chuckle here and there about upcoming colonoscopies, joint health, and the wealth of benefits a prune diet could provide. Dan easily laughed the comments off, even occasionally joining in.

But a week ago, as he was settling into bed, exhausted from that day’s intense set of recording sessions, he allowed himself one cursory glance at his phone before powering down both his device and brain. 

A new message from Suzy caught his attention. With slight concern over the late hour, he was relieved to find there was no emergency. Quickly scanning the short paragraph, he let out a small, amused breath just short of a chuckle. It was a cutely disguised threat to not schedule anything for the 14th, two short weeks away. She designated it as a time solely for him, and promised an “unforgettable” birthday bash.

Shutting the phone off and closing his eyes, Dan had almost drifted off when he felt it. A hazy, creeping fear that began crawling up his legs. Yes, he would be 38 soon. The feeling attacked his large intestine, twisting his gut. Yes, he had watched most of his friends and family get married and start healthy, loving families. The rising fear spared no expense on his solar plexus, and the weight of his affirmations nearly knocked the wind out of him. Yes, he was single. Absolutely, utterly, and undeniably alone. The awful, empty emotion ruthlessly expanded, gripping his head like a mask. Yes, his life was half over. What did he have to show for it?

Shooting upright, Dan threw the large white comforter off himself, feeling a sickly warmth in his arms and legs. The shaky walk to the sink, albeit only a short few steps, nearly saw him collapse head over trembling heels. He tried to muffle his padding footsteps as best he could, especially knowing next door a dear friend was sleeping. Dan frowned, slipping into his bathroom and flicking the lights on. God knows what Barry would say if he caught Dan this vulnerable. Something awkward tugged on his heart at the thought, but he barely registered it, instead choosing to glare at his image in the mirror, trying to focus, to remember anything and everything people had told him about panic attacks. After an hour, the existential dread had waned only slightly, but it was enough for him to collapse into bed, exhausted. 

He managed no substantial conversations the following day, a miracle in itself. Unfortunately, life was uncaring in its piling on of tasks, meetings, and obligations, especially for someone leading as hectic a life as him. When Thursday rolled around, he found himself almost buried under an avalanche of work, finding no reprieve in sight.

“Dan?” How he hadn’t noticed Arin sneak up on him was just another clue as to how deep he was falling.

“Yeah man?” Dan tried and failed miserably to make himself look casual, crossing his arms unconsciously, feeling like maybe he couldn’t talk himself out of this. Arin stood in front of him, eyebrows pushed up in that annoying way that indicated he cared way too much. Say what you will about his timing, comedic or otherwise, he sure had a knack for seeing past any pretenses.

“You alright?” The question was loaded, practically stuffed to the fucking gills, and Dan had no trouble sensing the implication.

“Yeah, yeah,” he shook his head a little too intensely, brown curls flapping gently against his face.

Arin waited, giving Dan a measuring look. He knew it was the surfacing of their unspoken promise to each other:  _ If you want to talk, now’s the time. _ Arin knew how hard it was for his friend to keep his problems hidden for so long, and it was clear in his mood and lack of participation that something was bugging him.

“Well,” Dan started, “I guess I’ve just been in this negative headspace for the past week.” That was safe, he could dismiss it from there, push it away from both of them and hopefully not burden anyone else with these ridiculous thoughts.

Arin nodded slightly for Dan to continue. Goddamnit.

“I…” It was unsurprisingly difficult to articulate his problem.

“Let’s sit.” Arin suggested, trailing behind Dan on the way to the new recording space. Once on the couch, Arin turned fully toward Dan, a silent gesture that he didn’t know whether to be grateful or nervous for. The last time they sat down and spilled their hearts like this was months ago, when Arin had chokingly expressed how the amount of stress he was under was killing him, but how he didn’t want to let anybody down. Dan had comforted him naturally, his sympathetic nature helping him listen and respond empathetically to Arin. A small pang of odd nervousness shook his system as he wondered if it was his turn to sob and clutch at Arin’s shirt in mindless despair.

He stopped himself from jumping when Arin laid a hand on his shoulder, cutting off his mental discourse. Dan looked away, ignoring the concern in his friend’s eyes. It would definitely be easier to talk if he wasn’t looking at him, or making any sort of human contact.

“I guess…” Again, Dan had no idea where he was going. But he soldiered on, hoping to find a point soon enough, before he found himself perpetrating his nervous habit of blathering about nothing for minutes at a time.

“I’ve been having like a,” he found the words hard to actually say, as if hearing himself speak them would legitimize his worries, and make everything  _ real _ .

“Mid-life crisis?” Unable to keep himself from looking, he met Arin’s eyes. There were glints of humor in them, and a small smile curved the sides of his lips.

“Is that it?” He said, relieved. To be honest, Arin was expecting a murder confession, or in more serious terms, the passing away of a loved one. That was always the hardest. But a mid-life crisis? Shit was easy.

In the flurry of microexpressions that flew across Dan’s face, Arin could pinpoint shock, annoyance, and finally humor. An anxious laugh bubbled from Dan’s lips, quickly turning into a relieved chuckle. Dan slid his hands over his face, still giggling.

“I can’t believe I was so nervous. Hearing it come from you? Fuckin’, makes it a little easier to deal with.” Although Dan didn’t feel better in the slightest, he hid the rush of embarrassment under a smile he hoped looked relieved.

Arin caught his cover up easily, and the amused look on his face dropped into a serious one.

“If you need time off…” Arin trailed on, watching Dan’s expression change to shock.

“No, God no! Working is pretty much the only thing keeping me sane right now.” His joking tone fell flat, the stark truth behind his words laid bare. It was scary to think what mindset he would get himself into if he took a break, with 16 hours of freedom a day.

Arin looked thoughtful for a moment, before meeting Dan’s eyes and smiling genuinely, reaching over slightly to place a hand on knee. A gesture which Dan considered sweet if not a tinge too delicate.

“You wanna get back to it? We can finish off these last two episodes and then grab something to eat. It’s getting late anyway, maybe there’s a Thai place open…” Arin’s voice drifted into the background. Dan thought over the conversation, trying to pinpoint exactly why he had the strong suspicion Arin was plotting something.

~

While Dan tossed recklessly in a fitful bout of sleep, Arin was busy organizing, scheduling, and excitedly filling in Suzy about his newly formed plan. He sat upright in bed, laptop on hand, making a plethora of changes to the online communal schedule.

“I know it’s short notice.”

“REALLY short notice.” Suzy’s worried tone had Arin lifting his head from where it was buried in his laptop screen. She was leaning back on her arms, looking carefully at him. Light from the bedside lamp illuminated a halo around her updo of glossy black hair, giving her the appearance of a very alternative angel, which pulled Arin’s mind into a tangent about how beautiful his wife was and how lucky he was to have her. He was shaken out of by a gentle poke to the side. Suzy tugged his face gently to line up with hers, and gazed intently into his eyes.

“Are you sure this is the best thing to do?” The question was quintessentially Suzy: blunt and sharp at the same time. It cut straight to the heart of the matter, and fazed Arin only slightly.

“You didn’t see him. He needs this more than any of us think.” It wasn’t a yes or no, but Suzy seemed satisfied. She gave him a delicate but meaningful kiss, told him not to stay up too late, and rolled over to sleep.

~

Arin was growing ever confident in his decisions as he approached Dan the next day, who managed to look gloomy even while sinking almost fully into a beanbag chair. He looked up just in time to catch the neatly folded paper Arin had tossed at him. Dan’s eyes scanned over the mysterious page, which turned out to be a packing list for some form of trip.

“Are you going somewhere?” Dan looked upwards in time to see the head shake that accompanied the quick exhale of laughter.

“ _ We’re _ going somewhere. That’s what you need to bring.” Arin’s tone was level.

“That’s a lot of stuff,” Dan said passively, letting Arin entertain the thought of him having already agreed to this mystery trip.

“Yeah, we’ll be gone for a week.”

“And just when are we taking this trip?” Still, Dan was convinced the joke would end soon enough, and they could actually start the workday.

“I was thinking in about 2 hours.” Arin braced himself for a variety of reactions, but not one that saw Dan shaking his head and leaning backwards, stuffing his face into the arms of the ugly green jacket he was sporting.

“You’ve gotta be kidding me, Arin.” The words were muffled, as was the following rueful chuckle.

Something about the dismissiveness of the statement was worrying. Arin squatted, now close to Dan’s level, and spoke only after his long silence granted him a curious face poking out from between its sandwich of bean bag and jacket sleeve.

“I’m not joking. I cleared everything for the next 5 days,” his voice came out much softer than he anticipated. At least now Dan was seriously considering his words. His eventual reply was equally as soft, although the nearest bystander was many feet away.

“You really want me to run away with you?”

“Oh. I want to get away. I want to fly away.” Arin’s straight faced and dry delivery did the trick, and Dan shoved his face into the soft bean bag material to muffle the nervous outburst of giggles.

“So are you in?” He couldn’t disguise the hopeful tilt to the question.

A beat passed. Then another. Dan turned the idea over in his mind once, twice, three times before indulgently grinning.

“Abso-fucking-lutely.”

~

Before he had time to psych himself out of it, Dan had packed quickly and, to the best of his abilities, efficiently. He went over the mental checklist again, having already misplaced Arin’s hastily printed suggestions in the drive back to his house.

Clothing? Check.

Toiletries? Check.

Electronics? Dan almost felt guilty for bringing his work as he zipped his laptop case closed. But if Arin thought he was putting potential NSP progress on hold for almost a week, he was sorely mistaken.

He frowned at the weirdly strong mental response the idea of not working gave him. Workaholic who?

He examined the stack of brightly colored CDs in his hand before slipping them into his backpack. Maybe an eighties mix or two would lessen the mind numbing properties of the endless California highway. If he and Arin could while away an hour or two with impromptu karaoke in the meantime, great.

Carrying his suitcase and backpack into the kitchen, he began to scribble a farewell note to Barry, adding a thinly veiled threat of violence if Barry were to touch his stash of candy hidden under the sink. He pinned the note to the fridge with one of their magnetized letters. A “D,” appropriately. He considered writing something vulgar out when a text vibrated his phone.

_ COME OUTSIDE FARTMONGER _

Dan smiled, heading for his front door, double-checking his travel supplies before throwing it open.

Arin was leaning against the driver’s side door of his MINI cooper, arms folded. He had donned the appropriately titled “cool guy shades” and gave Dan an exaggerated upward flick of his head as he approached, pulling a guffaw out of his friend.

“You ready to get this show on the road?” Arin snatched Dan’s bag before he could protest, popping the trunk and tossing it next to his own luggage, a sleek black number decorated heel to tip with assorted Hello Kitty stickers.

“Let’s do it!” Dan slid into the passenger seat, automatically reaching below him to slide his seat backwards. He barely registered the fact that the seat was already as far back as the small car would allow when Arin jumped in next to him, grinning. Seeing Arin’s frantic and vibrant excitement lift the energy in the car soothed Dan. He let his worries temporarily dissolve into cautious optimism.

Crossing his fingers, he made a quick, serious promise to do some very needed self reflection sometime during their vacation.

They tore out of the driveway, causing a slew of well intentioned curse words to fall out of Dan’s mouth as he braced himself. Arin only laughed, tapping a few times on his phone to bring up his GPS.

“Settle in bro, it’s kind of a long drive from here.”

Danny didn’t bother asking how long, knowing the probably ridiculous answer would upset him. Instead, he opened his window, leaned back, and took the deepest breath he could.

Everything was going to be okay.


	2. Settling In

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A day of firsts. Some good, some bad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I definitely didn't listen to copious amounts of Wilco while writing this. Nope. No way. Thanks for reading and enjoying! I <3 you all.

If he wasn’t paying attention, Dan would have missed Arin’s soft hum and subsequent series of inconsequential mutters to himself as they pulled away from their second stop, a rinky-dink gas station tucked off the beaten path of the highway. If he were actually asleep like he was pretending to be, Arin’s idling rambles would linger in the air for no time at all before disappearing.

When Dan was jarred into reality by a well placed elbow, he tried to shake himself of the heavy layer of grog that had settled on top of him. The car was still, another aspect to click into place slowly.

“God, how long was I out?” Dan tried in vain to calm the few snarls that had taken his hair hostage while he slept, succeeding in nothing but shoving a couple tangles around. He sighed without thinking. Just another mess to deal with later.

“Like, two hours.” Arin’s voice was muffled by the handful of beef jerky he had started to devour. But no amount of oversalted, unhealthy beef snacks could hide the flicker of concern in his tone.

“Yeah, I haven’t been sleeping that well lately.” Dan couldn’t believe that he felt embarrassment welling up, having told Arin much more dire things in the past with no such reaction. If one of the side effects of a midlife crisis was sensitivity, he wanted to be spared from it; he was soft enough, in his opinion.

“It’s fine dude, you can sleep when we get there too.” And with no falsehoods or insincerities, Arin had managed to lighten Dan’s thoughts in his unique way.

“Where are we?” Dan looked around, sitting up straight and unintentionally jolting a kink in his back. He winced and rubbed at it, reminding himself he egged back pain on with his frequently horrible posture.

“Convenience store. Go pee, maybe I won’t eat the rest of the snacks before you come back.” He began a tug of war with a particularly stubborn piece of processed meat, leaving Dan to stretch his legs in the heat of the afternoon.

~

The sun was just starting to slide under the horizon as the cooper turned down a winding dirt road devoid of other cars, or signs of human life. The greenery threatened to overtake their vision, branches hanging dangerously low in front of the windshield. If Dan focused his eyes, he could sometimes make out a movement or two in the passing bushes. He attributed it to squirrels and not a Voorhees copycat trying to make a splash in the world of murdering people in the woods.

“How far away are we from other people?” Dan tried to hide a small part of his paranoia.

“I think an hour. They say you’re better off trying to defend yourself instead of waiting for the cops.”

“Who is ‘they,’ Arin?”

“The people who own this place.” Dan wanted to slap the smirk off Arin’s face, but chalked the violent feeling up to his own mounting fear. Okay, maybe he wouldn't be eaten by a mountain lion. Were there even any of those in California? Fuck.

“Are we legally staying here?”

“Yeah! A few of Suzy’s old friends own it, and the land around it. They let us come up here a few times a year.”

As relieving as that was, Dan felt himself untense only very slightly. He knew he was being melodramatic by feeling like a breaking and entering charge was the least shitty thing he would have to deal with this week.

Arin parked the car in a small cleared space, throwing his hands off the wheel with a huff of finality. He leaned his head back, lolling it to the side to smile at Dan.

“We’re here.”

“Yeah, I guess we are.” After a moment of quiet eye contact, Dan flung his door open. The cool night air was a blessing to his skin, and he took a series of deep breaths before searching the landscape.

In all honesty, he was expecting a ramshackle stack of logs with a window or two, if they were lucky. When he saw the beautifully crafted, picturesque two-story cabin, he couldn’t help but gawk a little.

“This looks. Like a postcard. Are you sure we’re allowed here, Arin?” Dan turned, and stopped himself from jumping as his luggage was pressed into his hands.

“Yes, Dan. For the next few days, this is all ours.” Arin was already leading the way up the sturdy wooden steps, and trying to nudge the large front door open.

“You need a key, hotshot?” Dan was sarcastic, finding it the easiest tone to could slip into recently.

“One of them just left yesterday, they said it’d be open.” On cue, the door swung forwards, revealing a majority of the huge room ahead.

Dan had trouble processing it all as he stepped inside. The spacious main area comprised itself of a living room, kitchen, and dining area all tucked into their own various corners. Everything looked  _ nice _ , like, rich people nice. A 60 inch high definition TV, state of the art stoves and appliances, and the nearby promise of a deck overlooking a serene lake.

He felt out of place, like a cheap fingerpainting among expensive artwork. He hated thinking it, hated how often these negative thoughts were finding themselves in his mind. He sagged, feeling more drained than ever.

Seeing Dan flounder, Arin threw an arm over his shoulders.

“Let’s get you to your room, then you can sleep for as long as you want. Okay buddy?” If there was condescension in voice, Dan couldn’t find it, and instead allowed Arin to push him up the stairs, and towards the end of the hall.

“If you need me, I’m a few rooms down, okay?”

Dan mumbled an assurance, and tried not to think of how Arin’s eyebrows knit together in worry as he closed the door behind him.

He didn’t bother observing the room, choosing instead to flop forward onto the queen size bed, burying his face in the pillow. His mind was, for once, blissfully quiet. Before it could start up again, he was already fast asleep.

~

Dan’s first thought upon waking was not concerning his whereabouts, alone in a strange bed, but of his clothing status. His belt, which he hadn’t bothered to remove in his haste to pass out, was digging painfully into his stomach.

He flipped himself around, unbuckling and tugging the leather strip out of it’s sleeves. With a chance to finally look around his room, he took in the soft ocean color of the walls, and the bay window that held a scarily gorgeous view of the lush, rolling hills outside.

The sunlight that washed over him had warmed him enough that he didn’t regret not crawling under the comforter the night before, which he noticed was embroidered with an intricate and delicate pattern.

He dug around around in his suitcase, searching for soap and his toothbrush while simultaneously trying to rub the remaining sleep out of his eyes.

The ensuite bathroom was colored the same calming blue, Dan idly wondering if Arin picked this room specifically for him while he waited for the shower to heat up. When he stepped under the spray, he couldn’t help the satisfied groan that escaped him. After cleaning himself efficiently enough, and making some progress on his hair, he leaned his head against the tiled wall and sighed, letting the water run over him.

His head was mercifully neutral for the first time in weeks, focused solely on short term inputs. He feared if he let himself think of just one stressor, the spell would break, and the fuzzy hurricane of doubt and fear would return.

So he let it be silent, instead counting the number of toothbrush strokes and hairdryer pulses as he performed his daily routine. When he had finally combed out a majority of the knots in his mane, a knock drew him away from the mirror.

“Domino’s Pizza! I have your extra large sausage-” Dan cut Arin’s sultry description off by swinging the door open and leaning against it. Arin bust out laughing, falling back against the wall.

“Dude,” he gasped out, “I did _not_ expect you to be two inches away from me, completely shirtless. You kinda scared the shit out of me.”  
As much as Dan would’ve liked to keep a straight face, he chuckled along, glancing down to take in his casual wear: a black tank top, extremely baggy sweatpants, and pink heart-patterned slippers. He could visualize Arin strolling into work wearing the getup, taking every opportunity to cash in everyone’s ‘ticket to the gun show.’

“For real though, I just made breakfast. So, come down when you’re dressed.” Arin clicked his tongue and disappeared down the stairs. Dan searched for something to match his friend’s aesthetic, settling for his stegosaurus shirt.

He took a minute to soak in the atmosphere of the first floor from his resting position on the wooden railing. The open floor plan worked magnificently with the setting, bright swaths of light illuminating the soft tones of the wooden floor, the tall panels of glass showing off an unobstructed view of the forest.

The decor held minimal personal touches, as if it were crafted by a homemaker and not the people who most likely visit it regularly. Dan preferred it that way, the lack of personal effects made him feel less like a stranger intruding in someone else’s paradise.

A glint caught his eye; Arin was swinging a spatula in the kitchen, in what looked liked a sword fighting routine. Or maybe he was dancing to the world’s shittiest beat. Dan slid into one of the stools lining the counter, waiting to be noticed.

Arin whipped around, holding a plate of bacon, eggs, and toast. He placed it in front of Dan with a flourish. He met the resulting raised eyebrows with his own.

“You’re not that good at sneaking. Plus, I can see everything from here. Including the couch.” The last sentence nearly died on Arin’s lips, and he busied himself with cleaning a plate, suddenly quiet. Dan barely caught the words, and they settled in his head, strangely heavy.

Dan nearly dropped his toast as he was blindsided with a memory dredged up from the recesses of his mind, buried so long ago. It took him so by surprise he had no time to block or ignore it, and instead saw every detail flash before his eyes.

*

Everyone else was long gone, but Dan had made the unwise decision to stick around the office and power answer all the emails that had built up over the short period of time he ignored them. When he had clicked send on the final reply, he decided a quick nap was in order, and chose the recording room as the perfect sleep destination.

The grump room was dark and empty by virtue of it being the early morning, shadows cast by the main office light illuminating the back of the couch Dan was laying on. He had one arm flopped off the side of the couch, the other resting against his stomach.

He let himself decompress, sinking into the cushions. They had just finished pushing out the final promos for Player Select, and Dan was coasting off the high of a completed project. For at least a short period of time before beginning work on the next big thing, he could relax. And maybe, he thought, inching his fingers down his torso, he could play catch up on other things he frequently neglected while working.

He was alone (in more ways than one), horny, and sleep deprived. In other words, he deserved this, right? His own reassurance placated him as he rubbed slow circles into the outside of his jeans. His let his mind drift, trying to imagine what the cute barista who took his order at Starbucks earlier that day would look like sitting naked on his lap.

He unzipped just enough to leave himself room to grasp the length of his cock, the resulting sharp intake of breath loud in the overwhelming silence. The taboo feeling of getting off in a semi-public area spurred him on as he jerked himself faster.

Whether it was due to the recent negligence of his sexual needs or the exposed atmosphere of the whole sordid affair, Dan felt his chest tighten after only a few minutes. His stomach felt molten, heat dripping down his tensed legs.

Just a little bit more…

As any seasoned masturbator will tell you, years of experience in whacking it silently will lend itself to an extreme heightening of the senses during the act itself, especially hearing. Dan heard the click of the door, realizing in horrifying slow motion that he was about to be much less lonely.

“Dan? Are you awake?” That was the last voice he wanted to hear as he scrambled to stuff himself back into his pants, no small feat in the milliseconds he was given. He didn’t even have time to register the massive impact of shame as he locked eyes with Arin.

“Yeah, I mean, I am now.” He was painfully unconvincing, thankful for the small amount of leeway the darkness gave him. At least his furiously heated skin wasn’t fully on display for Arin and the entire world to see.

“Barry said you still weren’t home yet, so I wanted to make sure everything was okay.”

_ It was more than okay, before you decided to go and be a caring and considerate friend you fucker _ . Dan didn’t let the diatribe escape him, instead forcing a fake chuckle and assuring Arin that he was perfectly fine.

*

Dan hadn’t thought of the incident in years, since it occurred that December night, and was happy to leave it in his subconscious. Arin clearly hadn’t forgotten, the halfhearted joke he tried to suppress indicated he knew exactly what had happened, shattering Dan’s fragile hope of the opposite.

The air was thick as Dan stewed with fresh realizations. A quick flash of anger hit him out of nowhere and he nearly hopped out of his seat.

“You fucking dick! You remember that?” He even pointed an accusatory finger.

Arin began to cackle, doubling over. His laughter, much to Dan’s additional annoyance, broke whatever tension that had been building.

“You were fucking, you were  _ jerking it! _ ” He managed to sputter, clutching his sides as he tried to calm himself down.

Dan fought a losing battle against his own smile, and eventually joined in. It had always been hard to stay mad at the guy, even when he was being a massive, voyeuristic prick.

“I’m leaving.” Dan joked as he pushed the half finished plate away from him, standing and heading for the stairs.

“What, the whole place?”

Dan gave an ‘mhm.’

“Well,” Arin called to his retreating back, “you’re stuck here with me!” And after a beat, for necessity's sake: “No homo!”

~

“Action?” Arin suggested, sounding far away. He had dove headfirst into the living space’s extensive movie cabinet, throwing out a recommendation or two as he perused stack upon stack of DVDs.

“Whatevs,” Dan’s flippant response was quick. He sat curled up on the couch, wrapped in the blue number from his room. The lights were dim, the couch soft. If Arin didn’t pick something soon, he would definitely fall asleep right there. 

He was wiped of energy again, although most of his day was spent walking around and just looking at things. He explored the house top to bottom, weaving in and out of the guest bedrooms and narrowly avoiding the occasional remark from Arin. He was busily inspecting the nearby fishing shed when he was called in to eat.

He knew occupying himself with trivial things and promising to address all of his problems later was not the healthiest way to deal with everything, but fuck if he wouldn’t try everything but the obvious.

Arin popped in a generic action flick from the 90’s, already quipping about the horrendous special effects. He had his hands comfortably spread across the spine of the couch, fingers nearly encroaching upon his companion's blanket fortress.

Of all the intrusive thoughts Dan Avidan had ever been forced to bear throughout his life, the surprisingly strong temptation to snuggle into Arin Hanson’s side was among the most unexpected. Sure, they joked around a lot. But, there was nobody here. It was the two of them, alone with no audience to make laugh, and no punchline to constantly reach for.

All of these factors did nothing to decrease the rising panic. The feeling wasn’t retreating. In fact, Dan’s mind was betraying him by imagining in great detail how comfortable cuddling up to Arin would be. He stopped himself from comically reaching a hand to cover his mouth, cutting off the question about to form on his tongue.

What was up with him? He could feel the dam holding back the worries of his everyday life begin to crack, and he squeezed his eyes shut in protest.

“Dan, are you alright?” He could vaguely sense something warm placed on his back, before succumbing to a wave of anxiety, thrown headlong into the first real panic attack of his adult life.


	3. Break Down, Build Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan holds on through the storm, but the calm waters afterwards are pretty frightening too.

Dan felt like he was spinning underwater, disoriented and scared, unable to figure out which way was up. Each breath was painful, every shallow gasp sending another spike of air digging into his lungs. Oh god, everything was searing and too loud, he felt suffocated and tense. But the physical symptoms were nothing compared to the flood in his head.

_Years of trying, of hard work and compassion. Everyone you’ve met and loved so deeply. What do you have to show for it? You’re still alone. Always alone._

Everything came back in a monstrous rush. Every horrible intrusive thought and sleepless night of anxiety became concrete weighing his ankles and dragging him deeper. A nasty part of his mind told him he would die alone, his release of an involuntary noise made the thrumming in his chest hurt worse.

He shook his head wildly, face twisted painfully to stop the rush of emotion beginning to show. Crying was not allowed, not now. Not while Arin was staring at him, concern and shock etched into his features. If Dan weren’t drowning, he’d tell Arin to leave, so he wouldn’t have to witness him in such a pathetic state.

Arin made a split-second decision, all but throwing his arms around Dan and hauling him into a tightly packed embrace. It was time to deal in extremes, he reassured himself, waiting for Dan’s reaction.

Dan sat frozen for a full minute, before sinking his head into Arin’s chest. He felt something in his core give away, crumbling and vanishing into nothingness. His arms gripped the shoulders of Arin’s shirt tightly as he began to cry. He had jumped off the edge, helpless to stop the sobs fighting their way out of him. It had been so long since he had even teared up, let alone do something like this.

His response was fully out of his control, he wanted to kick himself for not even having the good grace to be embarrassed about falling apart on Arin. At least he didn’t have to meet his eyes, the tiny piece of Dan that was still rational consoled himself, as a fresh wave of tears spilled over.

Everything was falling out of him, he felt, and it felt satisfying in a sick way. He threw himself into the motions, likening it to a sickness he just had to get out of his body. He was so wrapped up in himself, he didn’t register the small reassurances Arin was mumbling into him.

“It’s okay.” Was the mantra for the next hour, Arin repeating it countless times even as Dan sighed deeply, drying his eyes on the parts of Arin’s shirt he hadn’t soaked through. The occasional sniffle betrayed his consciousness as he made no effort to move, even after finally calming down.

His head felt blank, temporarily drained of meaningful thought. It was a merciful break, and he spent time counting his breaths, unknowingly syncing them up with the steady pulse next to his temple.

“I’m-” Dan was the first to speak, sounding hoarse, and predictable.

Arin pulled back suddenly, meeting Dan’s eyes. They were red rimmed and tired, and for the first time since Arin had met him, he looked much older than he actually was. He was caught up for a few seconds longer than he intended to be.

“Do _not_ be sorry, Dan.” He tried to be firm, grabbing one bony shoulder to emphasize.

“You needed this, man. More than I’ll probably ever know.” He spoke slowly, thinking about what he wanted Dan to take away from his words. In the dark of the cabin, silent and still except for the two of them, Arin could see the ghost of a positive emotion pass along Dan’s face.

“Thank you.” Dan exhaled, and apparently grand slammed all his previous boundaries to the wind, curling into Arin further, squeezing him into a python hug. Arin chuckled as he reciprocated, quietly thanking whatever gods existed for Dan Avidan.

“It’s just, so stupid.” Dan was shaking his head, some color returning to his face.

“What is?”

“Everything.”

~

It was 4 in the morning, Arin and Dan both pointedly ignoring the clock and the insistent screech of the early morning birds and their mating calls. The previous 5 hours were spent in a pattern: Dan would bring up a recently acquired insecurity, whether it be age or lack of romantic prospects, and Arin would spend a good chunk of time picking it apart and stating in plain words why it held no water. Arin reminded Dan incessantly of his amazing network of friends and family, and the absolutely astonishing amount and reach of both took Dan aback.

He sat there, owing it to himself to listen, and it wasn’t long before he started to feel silly about the magnitude of his previous fears. He had so much love surrounding him, it only took an abrasive and well meaning talk from Arin for him to finally see it all.

They were sitting across from each other at the dining room table, dumb jokes becoming even dumber as they descended into the familiar post all-nighter delirium.

“Maybe you’re one of those guys that does a complete 180 once they hit 40.” Arin was leaning his chair precariously backwards, balancing it on two legs. They were on the topic of sex, predictably.

“What do mean?” Dan was giggly, just recovering from a laughing fit induced by the previous discussion of etiquette on an outing with a potential partner. He officially lost it when Arin insisted spidermanning out the window was the best solution to a date gone south.

“What if, you wake up, on March 14th 2019.” Dan was leaning forward, nodding sagely at every pause in Arin’s speech.

“And you just suddenly fucking _love_ dudes.”

Dan’s resultant bubbling laugh bounced off each wall, echoing nicely. Arin played it straight, securing his chair on four legs and folding his hands on the table, giving off the appearance of an interviewer.

“I’m not joking Daniel.”

Dan narrowed his eyes, the heavy weight of his chin resting on his palm giving away his exhaustion.

“You really think I should fuck dudes?” This was getting into dangerous territory. But if Arin was committed to the joke, then so was he.

Arin raised his eyebrows, and inclined his head further. Dan resisted the strange impulse of want that almost shot his hand toward the loose strand of hair escaping from Arin’s ponytail. Bizarre.

“I think you should keep your options open.” A note of something passed from Arin to Dan. Both refused to acknowledge it, preferring to stay in the safe grey area their joking had always allowed them.

The air was stilted, feeling so unlike what a regular comedic camaraderie should provide. Dan extended a yawn, hoping that when it was done, Arin would stop looking at him like that. He felt heavy as Arin pushed himself away from the table, either from how tired he was, or from the weight of living through the weirdest fucking day of his entire life.

“This just drives in how we’re not teenagers anymore.” At least he was making an effort to stabilize the room.

“Yeah. All nighters suck major ballsack.” Dan yawned again, following Arin up the stairs. When it came time for them to part, Dan hesitated. Waiting for what, he had no idea. After being so close, Dan felt a small urge to reconsider their standings with each other. A bigger, burlier urge shut the first one up.

“Goodnight, man.” Without fanfare, Arin smiled before disappearing down the darkened hallway to his room.

Dan let his nighttime routine, out of place in the early hours of the morning, become a catalyst for reflection. Now that he had sailed over what used to be an insurmountable hill of anxiety, seeing what settled along with the dust was interesting.

He was a little frightened at how easy it was to consider doing something ridiculous now, especially when it was under the guise of him exploring the rest of his life with a sense of adventure. If he were to throw caution to the wind in regards to every philosophy of his laid in stone years ago, where would he start?

Maybe he could really channel his inner Sexbang and just fuck a ton, all impersonally. Dan immediately dismissed the notion; he was way too involved for that. He finally plucked off his shirt, and hopped into bed, under the covers this time.

What if, he considered while running tongue along his recently brushed teeth, he bought a sports car and drove 3000 miles cross country, for no reason except that he can? He threw that one away as well. He’d have to ignore too many responsibilities.

Up until he finally drifted off, he brainstormed new things to experience, dubbing the small list he ended up with a ‘fuck-it’ list. It was just the way he had to do things, over the top and with some very unneeded swears.

Since he hadn’t bothered to shut the curtains, Dan was awoken when a slowly drifting slice of sun pierced his closed eyes. Groaning, he shoved his face underneath his pillow for five more minutes of shuteye.

He was toeing the line between awake and asleep when a loud bang shot him upwards. Arin had flung the door open with such force, Dan was surprised it didn’t fall off its hinges. He was dressed hilariously, even when his usual wardrobe was taken into account. But goddamn if he didn’t rock a green polo shirt and, khakis?

“What are you wearing? WHY are you wearing?” Dan held a hand over his eyes, partly due to the sun, partly due to the man standing at the foot of his bed.

“I thought we could get out and enjoy nature today.” He sure looked happy enough at the suggestion. Dan ran a couple fingers through his hair.

“Alright, I guess. Where’d you have in mind?”

“There’s a trail not too far from here. It leads around the lake, and if we go right now we’ll make it back by sundown.” He was moving, pulling on the bedposts absently, one of the noticeable byproducts of ADD.

“Alright let me get dressed.” Dan moved to get out of bed, Arin proceeding to retreat of the room after throwing back an excited ‘hurry up!’

~

Dan’s sneakers twisted the soft earth beneath him as he tried to follow his and Arin’s conversation while simultaneously pulling his hair back into a simple updo. Although it was early spring, the sun still threatened to beat down over them from its hidden position behind a cover of clouds. After Arin’s assurance that he wouldn’t die when Dan reminded him of his sweat situation, they had stuffed a few water bottles into a travel backpack and set off.

They dove into the ocean of trees, following the crude path laid out by previous years of wear and tear. Bright pops of green melded together in a canopy above his head, the occasional patch of moss or ivy tickling his ankles. Every spring color was fighting to be seen, and Dan took care to imprint a few particularly striking forest scenes into his memory.

Arin had slipped into a demeanor Dan could only describe as contemplative, his expression serious and observant. It wasn’t uncommon for him to withdraw into himself without warning for a short spell. Knowing him for so long had its advantages in the way of understanding his little quirks, and accepting them when they occurred for what they were.

They had been working up an incline for a long while when Arin paused. He looked back to where Dan was admiring a split tree that was continuing to grow upwards despite its setback.

“I think we’re almost there.” His eyes were glowing, alight with that sense of wonder so unique to him Dan could imagine bottling and selling it for crazy amounts of money.

Before Dan could say anything, they were standing side by side on a rock outcropping, staring down at the rushing falls of water beneath them. The spray almost reached their feet, and Arin was already crouching, looking for something.  
“What are you doing?” Dan didn’t realize he had started to bask until he was taken out of the moment.

“Let’s go down this way, to the bank.” Arin motioned to a series of drop offs and slight portions of the rock jutting out, and Dan hoped that wasn’t his idea of a path.

“You’ll break your neck. And I can’t carry you back with these things man,” Dan put his arms out in front of him, “I haven’t been lifting recently.”

Arin shook his head and extended his hand.

“It’s a shortcut, we’ll make great time. And if we both go down, neither of us will have to deal with a dead body.”

Dan didn’t move.

“Because both of us will be dead.”

“I got it, Arin.” Dan pinched the bridge of his nose between his fingers, slapping his hand into Arin’s with enough force to hopefully convey how bad of an idea he thought this was.

Arin began a treacherous series of steps, each strategic in where he, and by extension they, would land. Dan was confident he had squeezed all the blood from his hand, and made no secret of his fears.

“Jesus, watch it!” Arin had nearly yanked his arm out of the socket to keep himself upright after a careless shift. Arin let out a nervous laugh, already scanning for another way down.

When both of their feet were planted firmly on solid ground, Dan let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. Arin looked triumphant.

“I told you.”

“Yeah, and we _both_ died. Good job asshole.” Dan was already shrugging off the adrenaline rush, thankfully. Arin’s laughter helped.

The sky was quickly morphing into a burnished auburn, reminding them that they needed to eventually return.

“Let’s go before a bear finds us.” Arin started, shooting Dan a pointed look. Dan widened his eyes in mock fear and spoke lowly.

“There are bears out here?”

The walk back was peaceful, although Dan beginning to shiver at the cooling air may have been a sign to pick things up. He didn’t care.

After all, Arin was still holding his hand. If it were 2013, Dan would’ve recoiled in more than fear at the prospect of such an extended gesture. But 2017 Dan couldn’t give less of a fuck. After all, he had just drained his heart in front of his best friend. He felt a little entitled to a creature comfort or two.

So he said fuck it, and enjoyed the shit out of Arin Hanson’s hand.

“We should watch another movie.” Back at the cabin, Dan was picking through the cupboards, searching for something to snack on.

“That sounds like a great idea.” Arin was face down on the counter, lamenting his recently deceased phone.

“And this time I won’t have a breakdown.”

“Whoa, already joking about it?”

Dan turned around, bag of trail mix in hand.

“Absolutely. I feel free. Like a new man.” He punctuated each statement with a crunch of recently acquired walnuts. He could pass it off as joking, but he truly felt like a weight had been lifted.

Arin’s smile was hard to decipher, and Dan decided to leave the mystery unsolved. He tossed the bag in his hands back where he found it, forgetting how much he hated raisins. There was a beat of silence before he turned.

“You think they’d deliver out here?”

~

It had to have been midnight. Dan was watching the credits roll by from his reclined position on the couch. It didn’t take as much convincing as he thought it would to get Arin to agree to having Dan’s legs stretched out over his own, their perpendicular spots making for an interesting struggle for eye contact during conversation.

Arin was fast asleep, head resting on the back of couch, and Dan picked up the barest hint of a snore over the ending music. If there were ever a time the man was finally peaceful, it was in the throes of slumber.

He shifted again, settling into the couch. He could wake Arin up in a little bit. Right now, he was content with breathing deeply and letting his mind linger on what he had internalized so far.

He had so many people who loved him unconditionally.

He had so much time left, to do most anything he set his mind to.

He might not be as straight as he once thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> look the 'hold my hand so we can do this thing and oops i guess we're holding hands for real now' actually works i got to hold a cute girl's hand this way trust me im a love scientist - btw it is 3 in the morning and im eating hot pockets - hope you enjoyed <3, Bony~


	4. In the Rain, We're All Animals

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan tries to resolve his previous conclusions, but only succeeds in making everything messier.

For having slept on a couch, albeit a really comfy one, Dan didn’t feel as shitty as he could have. Sure, his neck had a crick and his hair was unforgivably mashed into itself, but for the first time in weeks, he felt free of the nasty stress of the past month. He knew it wasn’t entirely gone, but to have it quieted for any length of time was a welcome treat.

Arin was snoring, head tilted and hair splayed out in a fan of brown and blond across his face. Dan jabbed his outstretched knee into the black t-shirt next to it, earning an annoyed groan.

“Fuck, dude.” His voice was gruff as he reached a hand to rub at his face. He ran the gamut of morning stretches and yawns, a process which Dan dutifully waited for him to finish. He met Dan’s amused eyes with his hooded ones, and gave his dopiest, head tilted smile.

“Good morning!”

It was stupid enough and early enough to take Dan by surprise and make him laugh, sliding deeper into a horizontal position. His jean covered legs were still bent over Arin’s lap, and he found his eyes focused on their position as his mirth faded. Arin looked down, and in what had to be slow motion, placed his arms across the twiggy expanse of Dan’s thighs. It seemed like an absent gesture, but the feeling of Arin’s arms on him in a way they’d never been in all their years of friendship was new. It sent a really fucking weird thrill through his stomach, making him shoot up.

Feeling creeped out at his own thoughts, Dan pulled himself off the couch. He looked at Arin, who was staring up at him with a neutral expression.

“You’re making breakfast today, right?” Dan was itching to bolt upstairs and into the shower, tugging at the armpits of his shirt. Arin smiled, a genuine one this time.

“Uh, duh.”

Dan let the water pelt his back as he stared down the wall. He started to pull previous conversations from the depths of his memory, ones that he only half paid attention to. Words and phrases and contexts and old friends all passed through him in a blur, and he tried to focus on some of them, apply them to this new part of his life.

Gay was… non applicable. He would say women were still very interesting, while chuckling at the memory of being interrogated by extended family as an adolescent. He could still see his great aunt in her oversized gray sweatsuit, implying that he might be running out of time, at 22, to find someone to settle down with.

As the memory faded, it was replaced by an ominous almost-thought, one that Dan could feel weighing down his subconscious. He flung his hand backwards, cutting off the water and stepping quickly into the small bathroom. His feet, pruned by spending so long in the shower, were shocked by the freezing tile, and he scrabbled for a towel while trying not to drip everywhere.

He busied himself with the simple routine of drying off and getting dressed, letting his autopilot do its job. When he had spat out the last of the toothpaste into the faucet water, it took an effort to meet his own eyes in the mirror.

He looked different. Not just older, but almost as if he was looking at a version of himself that shouldn’t exist in this universe.

“That’s some freaky shit,” he mumbled to himself before hitting the lights and flinging the door closed just a little too hard.

Arin had rustled up a colorful looking pamphlet detailing the surrounding area and lake, and slid it towards Dan and his large helping of Froot Loops, who was wondering how appropriate it was to eat cheap cereal from what he had to assume was someone’s fine china.

“What’s this for?” The question was muffled by Dan’s full mouth, but Arin understood him anyway. His breakfast was already long gone by virtue of Dan’s impromptu spa hour. All that was waiting for the poor guy was an empty table and one shrugging, baggy-pants-wearing occupant.

“I know we already went hiking,” Arin started, tilting his head to get the hair out of his eyes, “but there’s a really cool place in there.”

“Oh yeah?” Dan was thrown by the graphic of a brown, smiling fish on the front.

“There’s this meadow, way out there, and at night you can see a ton of stars.” Dan recognized the tone of Arin’s voice, the one that meant he was being nonchalant but also really wanted something. He chewed thoughtfully a few times.

“Tomorrow night?”

Arin beamed, swinging around to tackle the excessive amount of dirty dishes left in the sink. By the time Dan ran out of cereal and brought his dish to the counter, Arin was halfway through a very unsavory rendition of “Hit Me With Your Best Shot.”

~

Dan plopped down in one of the plush maroon parlor seats, rubbing the pins and needles out of his muscles from when he had his arm and phone raised in a desperate quest to find a bar of service. He paraded around like a flag bearer with directional psychosis for way too long, before fully giving up on replying to whatever text Joe had sent. He didn’t get a chance to know, nothing would load in this damned place. He locked his phone and tossed it onto the couch opposite him, resting his head on the chair’s arm and closing his eyes.

A few blessed moments of silence passed before Dan was startled was a sharp  _ thump! _ near his head. Through almost closed eyes, he could see a grinning Arin was already settling in on the floor in front of the couch, picking up the source of the noise - a wooden box - and dumping its contents onto the coffee table. A few dozen chess pieces tumbled this and that way, Arin catching the few that almost fell to the floor.

“Wake up, buddy! We gots chess to play.” He started the process of counting the small figures out, laying separate piles over the expanse of the table.

Dan mumbled into the fabric of the seat.

“What?”

He lifted his head, hair falling directly over his eyes.

“Why are  _ you _ so happy all of a sudden? You’re so… animated.” Dan mused, feeling like the doofy pun was overkill. But the sentiment was true, this side of Arin didn’t come out every day, and he was sure many fans of the show would be shocked to learn the real Arin wasn’t an angry loud mess, but a quiet, laid-back, soft spoken guy.

“I have no idea. Just, thinking about life.” With that cryptic statement, Arin began to set the board up, pausing to motion Dan to sit opposite him. Dan slid off the seat, noticing how very differently their respective moods swing when they both thought about their lives. He crossed his legs on the carpet, directly across from Arin.

“Alright. White goes first,” Dan said of his side once the last piece had been placed. Arin looked taken aback, his mistake dawning on him.

“Shit. You’re already playing mind games with me.”

“It’s all in the brain, baby,” Dan drawled as he pushed a pawn forward.

Once he had taken his first pawn, a few turns later, Arin reached down and began to pull his t-shirt over his head.

“What the fuck are you doing?” Dan didn’t think he had ever sounded more incredulous.

With his entire chest exposed and his arms tangled in the dark blue fabric, he looked blankly at Dan.

“We’re not playing strip chess?”

Dan skipped a chuckle and went straight to hysterics. He was cackling, on the floor, hand on his stomach and eyes shut tight. The absurdity of suddenly seeing Arin half-naked, combined with that of life in general had really gotten to him. Arin was spurred into laughter too, watching Dan lose it.

When they were finally sighing and wiping their eyes, Dan cleared his throat.

“That really got me, dude.”

Pieces were captured, trash talk was thrown, and shirts threatened to come off again. But in the end, Dan victoriously tapped his knight against Arin’s bishop, trapping the latter’s king.

“Check.”

Arin had been resting his head against his palm, looking grim. He leaned backwards and dramatically groaned.

“Wow. You win again, Dan!”

“I mean, not technically, you could still-” Dan began, but was cut off with a wave of Arin’s arm.

“I can’t believe I’m friends with a chess grandfather!” It was pure sarcasm at this point.

“Okay, you mean Grandmaster, first of all,” it was hard for Dan to maintain a straight face, especially while staring at a pouty Arin.

“Whatever, let’s just watch TV or something.” Arin pushed himself up, walking to the living room without waiting for Dan’s reply.

“You know Arin,” Dan yelled after him, knowing it would piss him off more, “it’s getting really hard to tell when you’re actually mad at me. Those acting classes  _ are _ paying off!” Dan shared a laugh with himself.

As he could’ve predicted, the TV was abandoned in favor of just sitting and talking to each other. Dan couldn’t complain, he loved doing it, but with all that had happened in the past few days, it seemed there were more touchy topics to avoid than ever before. In a matter of minutes, Arin managed to bring one up.

“You can’t tell me you wouldn’t. I would destroy that man.” The man in question was an up and coming actor Arin had recently seen in a movie, and Dan honestly couldn’t imagine destroying any part of him.

“Why don’t you just say you’re bisexual?” The question was intended to be light, but Dan thought too late that an inquiry like that could never be light. Arin’s smile dimmed, but didn’t disappear. He thought about it for a long time, the ticking clock and Dan’s heart the only audible noises.

“I don’t know. I always thought that since I’m already married, what’s the point?”

Dan felt a weird flicker of indignation.

“So what? It’s not just a personality quirk, it’s who you are. If you lie to yourself about that…”

“I’m lying to myself?” Arin was looking at him with an indecipherable expression. 

Dan suddenly felt like he had said way too much. The back of his neck grew warm, and he slapped a hand over it, as if to physically cover his slip-up. Was it really a slip-up, though?

“You’re right,” Dan’s voice was low.

“But, I mean, sexuality is fluid. You don’t have to be fully straight, or fully gay. Maybe a little bit of one, and a lot of the other?” Arin’s eyes were far away, and when they focused on Dan again, they were lighthearted. Dan could feel himself grow more confused by the second. His stupid mouth was getting him into trouble.

~

Alone in his bed, covered by two blankets and a comforter, Dan felt the pressing need to jerk off. He blamed it on years of using it as a figurative and literal stress reliever, turning to masturbation for moments when life became way too much. Hardwired into him through years of Pavlovian training, he resigned himself to the task, pulling the warmth off of his body and shoving downwards until it was bunched at his thighs.

Much to his own surprise, he was already almost fully excited, which he chalked up to what a week of abstinence could do to a man. He manoeuvred out of his pajama pants while trying to think of a suitable fantasy, knowing that a workable internet connection in what he had earlier dubbed ‘Tree Hell’ was an impossibility.

Settling on a particularly wild ex-girlfriend, he sank back into the fluffy expanse of pillows. He imagined her blonde hair falling into his face while she was riding him, a common happenstance in their brief relationship. It was good, but not really doing it for him, which was almost disturbing enough to make him stop completely. He almost groaned out loud, but stopped himself. Arin was only a few doors away.

When his memory instantly recalled his mortifying moment at the grump space, his stomach warmed.

_ Okay _ , he thought,  _ I guess I’m really into exhibitionism all of a sudden. _ In a fast series of connecting thoughts, he was presented with the idea of Arin walking in on him again. His pelvis tightened and a thrill ran through him. He was exposed, and if, for whatever reason Arin walked in at 3:26 in the morning…

He wanted to be mad at himself, but his mind was becoming cloudy and his hand was moving faster. He could just see the look of shock on Arin’s face, and his hand moved against the sheets, trying to grip something. If he were in his right mind, he’d stop breathing so heavily and stop his hand from pulling at his own hair.

He was unabashedly thinking of Arin at this point, all pretenses thrown away in favor of imagining his friend a few dozen feet away, doing the same thing. He wondered what faces Arin would make while fucking into his own fist, or what noises.

Everything became too much, too fast, and Dan found himself beginning to tense up. He throbbed in his hand once, twice, before coming with a terribly hard lip bite to silence any wayward moans. He untensed, melting into the now heated mattress.

Before he could think another thought, about Arin or the mess he just made of his whole entire being, he was dead asleep.

~

The sun was just touching the tops of the trees, and Danny’s feet were getting cold.

“You know, there is a ton of stuff out there that will actually kill us.” He was searching for his sneakers while Arin packed a bag with different kinds of food.

“That’s everywhere though.” He was weighing a bag of jerky in one hand, and trail mix in the other. Both were thrown into the open knapsack.

“I think I’d rather get stabbed in an alleyway than mauled by a, fuck I dunno, a bear?” Dan’s shoes were firmly on, and his jacket was zipped all the way up.

“You wanna bring a blanket?” He didn’t let Arin retort to the comment about alleyway stabbing.

“Why, you wanna cuddle?” Arin’s reply was quick, and as far as the jokes they’d pushed in the past go, not that far into unknown territory. Dan still felt his back heat up underneath the pea-green fabric. Last night politely tapped him on the shoulder, and he told it to fuck off.

“Yeah, maybe I wanna cuddle the shit out of you,” Dan murmured petulantly, crossing his arms. It made Arin laugh and brush past him to nab the red and black knit blanket from the back of the couch to stuff into the bag.

Dan took the opportunity to slip outside while Arin replied to a text. In the quiet air of dusk, he inhaled and exhaled deeply. The wooden bannister in front of him was a perfect item to prop himself up against and wait.

Just when his previous thoughts were threatening to surface again, Arin stepped out, bundled in a heavy coat despite it only being sixty degrees. Dan shoved his hands into his pockets, ready to get moving.

They were half an hour into the beaten path when Dan spoke up with a concern, cutting off Arin’s reasoning behind why Maleficent would totally destroy Ursula the Sea Witch in a bare-knuckle brawl.

“I don’t wanna be the Bear Grylls equivalent of a Debbie Downer, but it’s, uh, really cloudy right now.”

“So?” Arin was in a cycle of walking faster than Dan, and then jumping on various rocks and logs while waiting for him to catch up. Dan could practically see his hand twitching for the beef jerky tucked away behind him.

“We won’t be able to see the stars. Do you know the forecast for tonight?” Arin chose to shrug and look at the ground in response. Dan stopped short and waited.

“Well, there’s almost a full moon so we’ll be able to see,” his voice was low, “and maybe a small chance of rain.” He was looking towards the treeline, very taken with something in the distance.

“Arin, oh my god, we’ve already walked so far.” Dan pinched the bridge of his nose.

“It’ll be fine, we’re almost there already. If it starts to drizzle, we can book it back. ‘Aight?” He was rightfully embarrassed, but also hopeful.

“Yeah man, ‘Aight.” Dan gave in and let Arin start forging ahead again.

By the time they made it to the infamous meadow, Dan was tired, hangry, and had complained about his back hurting at least 3 times. Arin had met his grouchiness with an unyielding optimism, confident in the unmatched beauty of the universe they would be observing.

And, seeing the huge expanse of wide open space after being confined to the dense woods for so long was a blessed sight in Dan’s opinion. But Arin was standing still with a troubled expression.

“The one day there’s not a clear night sky on this trip.” His voice was flat, hidden behind it a tinge of real sadness.

“It’s alright, Arin.” Dan was on his way to put a consoling hand on his friend’s shoulder when he was pelted with something small and cold. As he wiped under his eye, another projectile hit him in the forehead. He looked up, thinking with a sinking feeling that he should have been able to pick out the scent of oncoming rain from a mile away. Arin whipped around to Dan, wide eyed.

“Uh-oh.” Was all he could say as the weather started picking up. The rain fell heavier and faster, beginning to assault Dan’s quickly upturned hood. Arin was standing still, an incredulous smile on his face.

“Arin, come on, we have to start heading back. Or, find a tree at least.” But he didn’t budge, he only shook his head and started walking further into the clearing.

“This is life, Dan. It’s a metaphor.” He started to unzip his coat, to the surprise of a trying-to-keep-up Dan.

“Dude, what the fuck are you doing?!” Dan’s voice hitched up as Arin flung the offending garment into the grass. When he looked back and met Dan’s eyes, his were wild, and held a touch of something Dan had never seen before.

“Sometimes, you just have to let it all in!” He was yelling, palms upturned, basking in the downpour soaking his skin and clothes.

“You’re insane!” Dan felt like he was in a dream, and not a hundred miles from home in some woods with his best friend, screaming at the sky.

Arin turned to face Dan, and he was glowing. His eyes were alight with his trademark mischief, and his hair was plastered to his face. He looked like the happiest version of himself Dan had ever seen.

In him, in that one moment, Dan could see every look, every late night grumping session, all the jokes and laughter and vulnerability, every single tear, shared car ride, pre-show anxiety,  their doubts, fears, dreams, and all the plain and simple love that the past 8 years had given them. He could feel himself shaking like a leaf under the weight of it all. His own fears were wiped away and replaced with the wholly enveloping sensation of undiluted affection.

He took two strides to close the gap between them, and Arin, still hanging onto his optimism, opened his arms for the hug he was assuming he would be given.

Dan, without hesitation, pulled Arin’s brilliant face towards his and pressed their mouths together.


	5. I Need You (to Tell Me We’re Okay)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dan and Arin talk. Feelings ensue.

Dan could recall several instances in his life that had made him swear he was living in a Hollywood production. Talking to a cop high while he was as hell with weed on his person, facing the streets of the rattiest part of New York while living in a space with a dozen other college flunkies, fulfilling his dream of becoming a successful performing artist, all their own pieces of humorous movie magic.

Kissing Arin was like that too, like being enveloped in a Panasonic bubble where the director would soon yell cut and the simulated rain would stop and the two of them would head back to their dressing rooms where white bathrooms and white wine would await them.

But there were no cameras, no credits, and no cut. There was an untold side to his perfectly-imperfect memories: crying into his mother’s arms, listening to what he thought were his friends have all-night screaming matches, the crushing stress of managing popularity wearing on him.

No, life was very much unlike movies, in the way that it keeps happening even when you want it to pause. Dan wished it would pause, so he could revel in the warmth of Arin’s mouth for longer than a few short seconds, and so he wouldn’t have to look at his shocked face, or explain himself, or try to catch the splintering pieces of his now shattered life.

Arin’s eyes were wide, face pale and soaked from the downpour. His hair was pasted to his skin, and Dan focused on following the wet lines to give himself something to do besides think.

“Say something.” The ambient noise almost dampened Dan’s words to the point of silence. Whether he was shaking from the cold or the sensory overload was anyone’s guess.

“That’s how I know you’re for real.” Arin’s expression warmed.

“What?” Just once, Dan wanted to feel like he knew what was going on.

“I don’t even look like a girl.”

“What are you talking about?” His sharp tone betrayed the rising panic in his chest. It wasn’t what he wanted to hear, but when he thought about it, he didn’t really know what the ideal statement would be. Arin shook his head, smile growing.

“I love you, man. We gotta get out of this rain.” He jogged to his discarded coat and picked it up, grimacing at it’s muddy state.

Dan could only watch, trying to process any of what he said. Arin tucked the garment under his arm and held a hand out. Dan stared at it, worried if it was a trick of the light.

“It’s just me. Pretend it’s so we don’t lose each other on the way back.” He looked less teasing than before.

Dan reached out and let his hand be grasped by a much warmer one. Arin pulled him back into the trees, onto the rough trail. When he tripped over a pine cone and almost yanked Dan to the forest floor, neither of them could help but laugh, especially not when Arin went to kick it and set himself so off balance he had to fall back on Dan for support.

By the time they had both dashed into the dry living room, Dan felt lighter. He still didn’t know what his life was anymore, but lighter nonetheless. He pulled his shirt away from his skin, looking up to see Arin’s back retreating up the stairs.

“Arin…”

“We’ll have the gay talk after I shower!” He was obviously joking, but Dan still felt a stab of indignancy. Why was he so blasé about this? Oh yeah, his life wasn’t the one turned on its head.

Dan argued with himself up the stairs, and in his room, and under the spray of hot water. He hated overthinking things, but every possible outcome of the next hour was playing in his head, regrettably almost all negative.

***

With his knees curled up to his chest and his skinny arms wrapped around his legs, Dan looked more so much smaller than his 6’2’’ frame; it appeared that his waning confidence had shrunk him. His still almost wet hair, undried due to apprehension, dripped small beads of moisture onto his t-shirt as he pressed his face into his pajama pants. Or, as well as he could without disturbing his glasses. This wasn’t anything close to his earlier monumental meltdown, so he didn’t feel too bad about his appearance.

“What if this changes everything?” It was cryptic, but the only thing Dan could pull from his brain, which was simultaneously overloaded and completely blank.

Arin leaned back, one invading arm over the couch. He reply was unhurried.

“That’s easy. It won’t.” He laughed at himself, before catching Dan’s look. He sat up straight, turning.

“What has really changed? You still love music, your family, your friends, you still do Game Grumps, you still have a few kickass bands. You like girls. And guys. One thing.” It was so simple when he said it, but something was still under Dan’s skin.

“It’s just you, though.”

“I feel honored.”

“No, really.”

“I think there’s been more than just me. Maybe you didn’t notice it before.” He was playing with a loose thread on his pants, more out of his usual need to fidget than any nervousness. Dan absolutely did not want to undertake the strain of combing through his mind to find any possible previous crushes, real or fake.

“You know,” Arin started, adopting a more pensive voice than Dan had ever heard him use, “I told you that story about that guy from the internet, and how I questioned everything?” Dan nodded, even though Arin was looking forward at the blank TV.

“I said that I never went through with it and then the moment was over and yadda yadda, right?” Dan dutifully nodded again, happy he didn’t have to take an equal stance in the conversation for a small while.

“I lied. I went through the same thing, not that long ago.”

“What, seriously?” Dan lifted his head, reeling from the thought that Arin went through the same turmoil he did, experienced the same things in maybe a different way.

“Yeah, it was years ago. This guy, he was…amazing. Fucking hilarious, super nice to be around, really attractive. I fell so hard.” Arin was reverent, wrapped up in the memories.

“What happened?” It was like being told a scary story, and he was the kid on the edge of his seat.

“He was straight.” Arin dropped the line heavily, delivered it without a smirk. Dan felt sick.

“So I tried to get over it, the end.” The rushed words were so unlike the previous tone, taking Dan aback to the point to shock.

“What did Suzy say?” He didn’t have to ask if Arin told her, because in the matters of everything and anything in his life, the answer would always be yes.

“She didn’t get it at first. But that changed, and she was just as sad as me. I shouldn’t say that, she was sad _with_ me. She knew this was different, that he was different. She told me that she knew I wouldn’t love her any less.” He rubbed a hand over his chest unconsciously, sounding so melancholy as the words came slower.

Dan couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He had used Arin as a crutch for his own gay crisis, while Arin hid his so fully that Dan was shocked to learn of its existence. He felt the relief of being less alone, and also the hurt of not being told.

“What did he look like? Did I know him?” Maybe those were insensitive questions to blurt out, but curiosity would burn him until he knew.

“He was tall, with a dorky sense of fashion, uncomfortable with growing a beard at first but eventually accepting that he looked good with one.” Arin was looking at Dan, meeting his eyes for the first time in a long time. There was something wounded in his face as he spoke.

“We wrote songs together, stupid shit that we thought wouldn’t get anywhere until it did.”

Dan’s pulse picked up a whiplash pace as his face burned. Arin was talking about him. He was the guy that made Arin question himself, and also the guy who burned him by inadvertently closing off that path before ever considering it.

“He helped me through so much shit I thought I’d never get through.”

“Arin, stop.” This was too much, and Dan’s head was about to explode. Arin’s words came faster and shakier.

“I can’t believe that it’s ‘just me,’ Dan.”

Dan was screwing up his face in an attempt to stop up the trail of any tear from his reddened eyes. He wasn’t out of them, apparently. Arin reached out to grab Dan above the elbow, insistent on meeting their gazes.

“Because for me, it’s been...just you.”

Okay, life really was a movie. It was campy Hallmark bullshit where the two lovers who were marked with strife managed to have their happy ending in a rush of feel good emotions.

Except they had fought tooth and nail through hell to be sitting on that couch, and life was menacing them from the interstate back home.

But when he looked at Arin, his best friend, he hated to imagine himself doing anything else than basking in the sweet, enveloping moment of reciprocated feelings. It occurred to him that Arin was waiting for a response, and he looked, first down at Arin’s hand, then up.

“We should have done this shit years ago.” It made Arin laugh, the goal, and when he settled, there was a content silence. He slid his palm over the bony back of Dan’s hand, slotting his fingers in the spaces between. It was a natural movement, the fact of which almost made Dan shiver.

“We do what we normally do. And then maybe we do some stuff we don’t.” Arin answered the unspoken, but all-important, question with a sense of ease. Dan was back to a racing heartbeat, very new images springing into his head. Some were cute, like kisses and handholding, and the not so cute ones reminded him of his last late night escapade enough to make his ears hot. He’d have to tell Arin about that sometime later; he and his raw emotions didn’t feel like getting laughed at.

If Arin was thinking the same, he hid it well. Dan tried to get himself in line, even though his inner thoughts were a surreal, giddy mess.

“Do you wanna watch a movie?”

~

It was a terrible 80’s romp through the life and times of a business woman in New York, bad enough for the two of them use as a springboard to hone their Mystery Science skills by riffing off each other’s jokes. Arin was bouncing and laughing and moving his leg up and down, countering Dan’s still figure clutching a large throw pillow, disturbed regularly by his reactions. He knew the atmosphere was so light because of the immense weight of feelings that was shed, and wanted to soak in it as long as possible.

The credits were rolling over a screenshot of the garish colorful backdrop, and Arin was telling an anecdote about a movie he saw when he was younger. Dan wasn’t listening, instead looking at him with an effort he never had before, taking in all his features under a new lens.

When he wasn’t making hiding behind a ridiculous face for a camera, or downplaying himself to the extreme, it was hard to miss the way his features shone outward. Everything about him was rounded and sleepy, full of volume. Now that Dan had given himself permission to freely think this stuff, it was all over his mind. The feeling in his chest reminded him of the anxious moments after climbing down those rocks on that sunshiney day, where he realized they weren’t going to let go of each other.

Then he was deeply invading Arin’s space, closing his eyes earlier than he should have, probably to subconsciously bat away a fear of rejection. Arin, by the luck of the romance gods, met him in the middle.

The kiss was soft, hesitant on both parts, reminiscent of two teens in the hesitant but eager throes of early love. Dan kept himself still, unsure if he should be the one to lead them deeper. Arin made the choice for him, leaning forward and moving his mouth against Dan’s lips. It broke the timid spell so rapidly Dan could swear he heard the air snap. With what had to be a lunge and an involuntary noise, they were all over over each other.

Dan’s hand slid against Arin’s shoulder, fingers splayed. He was so solid, a world away from all of his previous lovers, and he lost himself in running his hand from his neck to his chest and collarbone. A small prudish part of his subconscious, maintained by the memory of a few strict lessons in childhood, was shaking its head at him. He could feel the other parts of him shouting, trying to ask questions and pull him back, which he dutifully ignored.

Suddenly Arin was threading his fingers through Dan’s hair, and it was all too much. He jumped backwards, leaving himself to stare at Arin’s flushed face.

“Dude, I’m so sorry. That was way too-”

Dan shook his head, his now dry frizz of hair hitting his face. He only hesitated for a second before putting a hand on Arin’s. He felt so twisted up, it was a wonder he could manage to sound reassuring.

“It’s fine. I’m fine. We just…need to maybe slow down a bit.” Dan didn’t realize it, but he was already deep into his standard breathing exercises. He felt electric, too keyed up on the high of the past hour. Arin was nodding, embarrassment replacing panic.

“Yeah, that was pretty heavy.” The air between them was so tense, Dan began to feel his back itch.

“Maybe we should sleep on it.” He would have said pretty much anything if it meant he could bolt upstairs and into bed. For once, being alone with his thoughts was preferable.

“Sounds good.” Before the sentence was done, Dan was halfway up the stairs.

Before his train of thought could catch up, he was leaning out of the window in his bedroom, elbows steady on the sill, trying to superimpose the cold night air onto his skin. The rain had stopped, leaving the property with that particular smell that Dan loved that he could never explain well enough why.

He snapped the window shut and buried himself in the ocean of the blue comforter. He hadn’t realized how tired he was, the only thought that crossed his mind before he fell dead asleep was of an embrace, warm and comforting.

~

An unidentifiable amount of time later, his body refused to rest any more. As he pried his eyes open and blinked the sleep from them, it sank in that it was the full final day they would spend at the cabin, tucked neatly away from the working world. He sat up and grimaced at his own breath while trying to lean in the perfect way to crack his back. Although his sleep wasn’t that great, his muscles thanked him for at least trying to get so much of it.

He padded downstairs, one hand firmly on his slipping pajama pants. It was dark.

“Damn.”

He had some time to kill. A quick peek in the kitchen cupboards proved fruitless. As it turns out, if you eat a box of cereal, you don’t have it anymore.

“Double damn.”

It was easy to justify going back to his room and digging out his laptop. They were close to leaving anyway, so he told himself a head start on jumping back into the fray was a proactive move. He settled into a comfortable email reading position, wrapping a knit blanket around his shoulders. With a twinge of annoyance, he realized he forgot his earbuds, but resolved to play his music softly instead of trekking back upstairs.

The fort was being held down masterfully without them, alleviating a gut pressure that had been ever present in the background of the trip. Some stuff was even being made progress on, and he wrote notes, replied, and business replied his way through what he had missed. He was just tapping out a final notice when Arin shuffled into view.

“Yo.” His voice was low, but the parts of his face Dan could make out behind his hair were content.

What do you say to your best friend after you’ve admitted your romantic feelings for them?

“Hey.” Dan noted they both looked like they had just heard a great joke.

“You have breakfast yet?”

“Nope.”

“Okay, I guess I’ll cook for you _again._ ” He dragged himself in mock anguish. Dan rubbed his eye with his palm, still smiling.

“You know you’re my favorite housewife, Arin.”

Maybe things didn’t really have to change, like Arin said the night before. Dan was sitting on one of the counter stools, tapping his socked feet on the wooden floor to the almost beat of a new possible song forming in his head and watching Arin make eggs. It didn’t feel as different as Dan expected it to, in fact, he was more at ease than he’d been in the past when alone with Arin. He’d have to speculate on that later, a dish was slid right under his nose, rendering all other thought unimportant.

With more than enough time to have finished and washed up, the two of them ended up locked in stupid debate #4356. It was actually a wonder they had gone so long in each other’s company without one.

“A watermelon could kick _anyone’s_ ass. It’s all hefty and shit, imagine a watermelon with like fucking, buff ass arms.” Arin was animated, limbs bumping in Dan’s.

“Pineapples are the armadillos of fruit, a watermelon just wouldn’t get past the armor.” They were facing each other now, and Dan could see a glint in Arin’s eye. He wanted to kiss his dumb face, and for once wasn’t scared of the feeling.

“I think you’re wrong.” His words were plain, but his smile was inflammatory. Dan wasn’t a coward, or a safe flirt. He leaned forward, coming so close to Arin he could feel his breath. He switched between looking at his mouth and his eyes, challenging.

“I think pineapples are tiny yellow knights.”

Arin looked like he wanted to say something, but stayed quiet. Dan felt a rush of victory and warmth as he jumped up and grabbed the plates.

“Last day here, man. We have to leave a good impression.” He turned the sink on and looked back. Arin was standing up to join him, shaking his head.

“You’re a responsible citizen, Daniel.” Arin was grabbing a washcloth, and Dan tried to not fixate on the weird thrill Arin using his name gave him this particular instance.

He purposely shimmied sideways, bumping into Dan and almost making him lose his balance. The devilish look in his eyes was back.

It was gonna be a long day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my butt is being kicked by the universe but goddamn if egobang doesn't give me life. hey, thanks for reading <3


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